The Mother fell seriously ill on 18th October in 1931, and we did not see her for a whole month. All this while we were very heavy of heart. When we again met her at Pranam what a joyful day it was! The intensity of our feelings was as thrilling as when we had the occasion of Sri Aurobindo's Darshan. It is quite impossible to express in words the feelings of joy, a joy that is of a quite different quality as if it was descending from heaven.

The trend of life in the Ashram became different after this illness of the Mother. The morning Pranam was delayed, even the place was changed, that is, from the usual room where it used to be, it was shifted to the hall in front of Amrita's room. The evening drives, the Mother's visiting the sadhaks in their rooms, the distribution of soup at night, all these came to an end. It was fifteen years later, in 1946, that the Mother once again came out amongst us at the commencement of the sports activities. It became her daily routine to come to the playing fields to set in motion these activities of games, etc.

A French lady named Madame Gaeblal used to come to the Ashram to teach French to the inmates. I do not recollect the year it began. She took several classes in the week. My initiation to French was begun by her. There were quite a few of us who began studying the language. The lady was given a new name, Suvrata, by the Mother. She is a frequent visitor to the Ashram even now and is strongly attracted to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. After some time, however, I gave up attending her classes and was taken in hand by Nolini. Nolini, as is well-known, is a versatile scholar of the Greek, Latin, French and Italian languages, as he had learnt them all from Sri Aurobindo himself. My study of French did not go very far and I gave up the study with only a smattering of it.

After the Mother's illness in 1931, we could go to her only if she asked us to come. All fixed hours of meeting her were also dispensed with. When one speaks of Mother's illness it means only what is apparent to all to an exterior view. This is what Sri Aurobindo wrote in answer to a question by a sadhak on this matter: "I have not yet said anything about the Mother's illness because to do so would have needed a long consideration of what those who are the centre of a work like this have to be, what they have to take upon themselves of human or terrestrial nature and its limitations and how much they have to bear of the difficulties of transformation. All that is not only difficult for me to write in such a way as to bring it home to those who have not our consciousness or our experience. I suppose it has to be written but I have not yet found the necessary form, the necessary leisure." (Sri Aurobindo on the Mother)

Soon after the Mother's illness she wrote in her Prayers and Meditations of the 24th November 1931, giving some idea of the real matter. Although all that is well beyond our conception, yet I venture to quote it here: "O my Lord, my sweet Master, for the accomplishment of Thy work I have sunk down into the unfathomable depths of matter, I have touched with my finger the horror of the falsehood and the inconscience, I have reached the seat of oblivion and supreme obscurity! But in my heart was the Remembrance,  from my heart there leaped the call which could arrive at Thee: 'Lord, Lord, everywhere Thy enemies are triumphant; falsehood is the monarch of the world; life without Thee is death, a perpetual hell; doubt has usurped the place of Hope and revolt has pushed out submission, Faith is spent, Gratitude is not born; blind passions and murderous instincts and a guilty weakness have covered and stifled Thy sweet law of love. Lord, wilt Thou permit Thy enemies, falsehood and ugliness and suffering to triumph? Lord, give me command to conquer and victory will be there. I know we are unworthy, I know the world is not yet ready. But I cry to Thee with an absolute faith in Thy Grace and I know that Thy Grace will save us'. Thus my prayer rushed towards Thee; and from the depth of the abyss, I beheld Thee in Thy radiant Splendour; Thou didst appear and Thou didst to me: 'Lose not courage, be firm, be confident, I COME' ".

I began to correspond regularly with Sri Aurobindo from 1932. Perhaps I began to write even from 1930 but that was intermittently and not regularly and the regular writing continued till November 1938, when Sri Aurobindo met with that accident. In the letters all my inner states, movements of my mind, stages of sadhana, all were mentioned. He too wanted to know everything in detail. He wrote: "It is absolutely necessary to write everything and write daily." Thus good or bad everything had to be written. It was not often that the mind would agree to write all, quite frequently some ruse was in the offing to enable one to side-track the entire truth of the matter. Nevertheless, we could detect these games of the mind around us. All communications were addressed to the Mother but were answered by Sri Aurobindo. My letters were written in Bengali or English according to the need, but Sri Aurobindo's answers were all in English. I have, however, received a line or two from him in Bengali as well. What was amusing was that even if before beginning to write one had decided to keep back something, at the end it was seen that nothing was left untold in the letter as if someone from behind was at work. I remember once I was very reluctant to write, not that I did not realise that one should not pamper this unwillingness, so I wrote to say: "I do not feel like writing today". In answer the letter came back with three large notes of exclamation (!!!) on the left margin. On receiving it I had hardly any idea whether to laugh or to cry. One day arose a great desire in me to eat a few things and I was quite unable to resist it. The mind was busy trying to find some pretext or other. In the end I wrote to the Mother: “I feel extremely greedy to-day. Do you know that I would like to eat eggs, lobsters and some kind of sardines. Either you remove this desire from me or permit me to eat them with your protection.” Sri Aurobindo wrote an answer next day! “Certainly not! You can eat up your desire that is the only fish or flesh that can be given to you! It is an old samskara rising from subconscient. These things have never to be indulged, they rise in order to be dismissed.” (12-11-33) A banter replete with laughter! But strange to relate, soon after sending the letter all that inclination to eat had completely gone. This filled me with an unalloyed joy and satisfaction. The joy one feels to be able to rise above desire was first brought home to me on that day. There were a few lines of Nolini, I have forgotten when I had read them, shining bright before my eyes: “When you grant me a vital desire I am not pleased,  your granting shows that the vital is still unprepared to forgo its food. But when you withhold from me an earthly satisfaction, a secret ease and joy flow into me; by this sign I feel I am ready for the Delight that is yours.” Every word of these lines was impressed in my feelings.